Opinions From 17 Years of Living In This Body

These are my opinions as of 01/07/2010, my 18th birthday. I'll be posting my opinions on different topics of life throughout the year. Note that I don't mind your disagreement, though you will not convince me of anything otherwise. This means that any comments that try to get me to 'understand the truth' will be deleted. It would be a waste of your time to type it all out. These are my opinions; you are not required in my book to share them.
You may or may not wish to read this; you may or may not hate me after.
That is your decision. Choose wisely. Or not; that is also your decision.
I will go by topic just so I don’t type in circles. If you read this and want me to type out my opinions of you, I will. It could be painful for you, but maybe it would help you face things. Maybe it would show you how wrong I am.

A good topic to start with is PARENTING AND CHILDREN, as I am legally moving away from this….

Fucking a young woman and getting her pregnant with your hormones does not give you the right to demand respect from anyone. Your actions are not respectable nor are they respectful.
If you can be impatient at all at any time, you should not be a parent. It would end in much pain for everyone.
If you are a teacher or wish to be a teacher, you should not be a parent.
Teachers think they are teachers, yet they know not and only have a large ego. ‘Life Experience and Wisdom’ is bullshit, as people go through many lives. An infant could have more life experience than you have and you wouldn’t know it unless you look in their eyes and see they are much wiser than you could hope to be at this time.
Do not raise your child up in religion; it may not be the truth. Let them find the truth and their own path in their own time.

Kahlil Gibran, “AND a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows form which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.”

For those who were raised as children, your parents are but children themselves. They were ‘raised and brought up right’ and they are stuck. They deserve pity and love. Be bitter if you must, but when you are done, look at them in a new light and see just how terrified they are in life, see how much they are children trying to handle responsibilities of life.
For those who are raising their children, look at your children in a new light, as well. See how much your actions and reactions are affecting them, either in a positive or negative way. A lot of parents who try their best ruin their children’s lives. And a lot of parents trying to ruin their children’s lives turn out wonderful people. Just be aware.

Going Insane

Last Sunday, I was at Witch-N-Bitch in town and I was explaining why I wanted to become insane on my birthday. I want to drop all of society and every silly, frivolous inhibition I have. I figure that the day I turn 18 will be a very nice day to finally do that because I'll be dropping everything from my parents and childhood.
Uncle Ac brought to the conversation a point that is marvelous and makes me even more excited to go insane: If I have lost all of the world's rules of how things supposedly are, I can create much easier, therefore adding more power to my spells. I'm kind of using my own words here, but I think I am transposing what he spoke pretty much correctly (if it's all screwed up, you're welcome to correct me, Ac).
Imagine. If I truly become the insane I wish to be, a table will no longer be real. A piece of popcorn is no longer real. This means that I can say, "Okay, so THIS is how I want things to be. This is now how things ARE." I can create my own universe.

Happy Thanksgiving to All!

Today, I am thankful for my mom's puppy, Stick, my mom and my brother. I am thankful for all of my brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents and friends. I'm even thankful for Dad. I am thankful to John, the turkey we will eat. I am thankful to the Mother Earth for providing all this wonderful ... FOOOOOD!!!!! I am thankful to Father Sun for helping us all grow and to Sister Moon for pushing and pulling us through our comfort zones and out. I am thankful to water for keeping us from shriveling up into little balls of skin. I am thankful to earth for giving us the clay of our bodies. I am thankful to air for letting us breathe, this miracle that keeps us alive. I am thankful to fire for keeping us warm and safe. I am thankful to the pilgrims for killing Sue on that first thanksgiving and starting the wonderful tradition of eating turkey one day a year. I am thankful to pumpkins and eggnog. And tea. Always tea.

What are you thankful for?
I'm thankful for you.

Another Night of Terror/So Many Questions.

So, Z had an interesing night the other night. Well, last night I had one of my own.

It started with a normal asthma attack, I get them a lot. The coughing, the wheezing, the turning my room inside out looking for my inhaler. I finally found it, and used it. ... Nothing, I used it again... Still nothing. The medicine was coming out but it wasn't stopping my asthma. I don't know how many more times I used it, not too many like a druggie, but I just wasn't counting. I was crying. I was talking to Z already and we were trying to figure out what I could do. I think she was actually looking up things on the internet that I could do to make it better while we talked, but I'm not sure. I love her though. She was able to keep me fairly calm.

Finally, it got to the point where I had to tell my parents we were going to the hospital because I couldn't breathe. I kept praying to the Goddess and holding onto my teddy bear for dear life. The whole ride there I was fighting tears. But the most interesting thing happens when I get there.

I was sitting there, while the actually-kind nurse took my information down, and I was staring down the empty, dimly-lit halls. I felt death lingering, breathing down my neck. How the shadows were sitting, they were cloaking death itself. I could see death in them, just past them, hiding and waiting. I almost burst out in tears. I was terrified. I could feel death's fingers trailing along my skin, I could see shackles hanging, waiting for me in my mind's eye. The Angel of Death brings with it a thick shroud and last night I was immersed. It was odd, usually death in my mind is a peaceful, beautiful, almost kind thing. Where you can pass along to a happier place and rest. But last night it was something of evil. It was like the mask had come off and instead of looking at a kind old lady I could see the succubus with her gray, tight skin and pointed teeth, with black, endless eyes and long, stringy black hair. She was beautiful in a demonic way.

I was even closer to bursting into tears at this point. It was all so close, coming for me, and I couldn't breathe. I prayed to the God to keep death away, to protect me from that demon I never want to see again. Then I prayed to the Goddess to comfort me, to keep me strong and help me breathe. Then I felt them, around me. The Goddess with her arms around me, holding me like a true mother. The God standing before me, daring death to come near me, to touch me again, ready to release his wrath. I could see them. For the first time in my life I actually saw them. Was I really that close to dying? I suppose so. I was calm again, though. I felt safe even though I still couldn't breathe.

I looked around, absently answering the nurse's questions, and I saw another person. I knew he'd come with the God and Goddess. And... in a strange way he was overwhelmingly familiar. I looked at him, directly in his eyes, and I felt the rest of the word disappear. Somehow, I was still answering the nurse's questions, going through the movements. I somehow loved him instantly. I knew he was the one who always came and wrapped his arms around me when I was scared or sad or confused, even though I could never see him, never feel his tight embrace, I knew he was always there and here I was staring into his beautiful eyes. He smiled, a beautiful smile I will never forget, and the nurse called my attention back to her.

We walked to the room I'd be cured in and the nurse went through all the steps with my rag-doll of a body. I was tired. I wanted to sleep and dream of the nameless love. His handsome face. His sparkling eyes and flawless smile and the comfort he brought with him. He was gone though, so was the God and Goddess. I was alone again but I didn't feel death biting at my heels anymore. I was treated completely, made better, talked with the doctor and told I needed steroids.

I fell asleep dreaming of his face and his smile and the cloud of comfort that surrounded him. I fell asleep wondering who he was. And I woke up this morning sad to have to have left him.

I'm sorry it was so long! My heart to you all!
Lots of Love and Love you Lots!
Blessed Be
-Leyla.

Night of Terror

Okay, so I think I mentioned before how I did a real nice Samhain ritual and how a few days before then, I kept getting little premonitions. Well, truth be told, when those started, right before Samhain, something had changed. I keep seeing things. Out of the corner of my eye. Usually just startling me a tad, they mostly seem benevolent. No biggy, yes? Right. So tonight, Mom and I walked together into downtown, spent some time at the all-night cafe, enjoyed ourselves. Near the end, before we left to walk home (30 min. walk), I got real sleepy and just kind of zoned out. It was about 2:15am or so when we left. All was well as we passed the town clock and I 'pentacled' myself, still fine when we passed Memorial Park. But as we started walking right past that, I saw something. Not a big deal, yet. I'm freaking out as I type this. So we continued. We walked through the parking lot of the Bad Building (a building housing a brotherhood ... it has a demonic feel to the place), crossed The Bridge (not certified safe), started walking the trail. Once we got past the gated boundary of the building's property, I kissed one of my guardian trees as thanks for safety and, at this point, we were enjoying ourselves and chatting. We crossed the street to the next trail and I was showing her where certain things happened in this one dream I had had a while back.

In the dream, Mama and I were walking the trail at night. Our friend, Clara Luna (doggie), was walking with us and we told her to go back because it wasn't safe. Like ... spiritually unsound. She finally ran back to town. We continued and I don't really remember what happened next. Nothing bad, but there was a bad, forboding feeling to it.

So we continue walking ... I keep seeing shadows (you may say, duh[!] it's night[!]), but they move. And Things are popping up and I am FREAKING OUT. We pass this one part of the trail where there's a sewer thing above the ground, raised by this cement pouring. I see Mama and I's shadows pass on it and I grab her arm, because at this point, I almost can't take the fright. By the way, the other shadows aren't Mom's and they aren't mine. I tell her kind of what is going on. It is a BAD feeling. We keep walking and I just want to burst out crying and run as fast as possible outta here. But I keep walking with Mom and trying to shield as best I can. We cross under the bridge for the highway and I am still seeing tons of shadows. As we continue walking, Mom informs me that her entire body, but especially the backs of her legs are getting chills.
We are at the Faerie Park and the faerie mound is in sight. I feel like breaking out in a run. But I walk at a steady pace, instead. Right as we reach a split in the sidewalk and stay on our path, the Thing behind us, following us, stops. I can feel it. It kind of fades as we walk farther away from it. But then a ... almost a probe is sent out from it. I can tell that what is following us now isn't IT, but it is still a conscious watching. I tell Mom to hold on as we reach the faerie mound. I walk up onto it, into the circle of trees of the grove and lean against one tree. I'm just shaking like a leaf, tearing up. But peace pervades right away and I walk between a 'doorway' of trees and the faerie 'shield' stays with me. I can still feel the Thing back there, but I feel safe and confident now.
Mom tells me she felt it, too. We continue and as we cross the next street, the Thing stays behind. I feel safe now. We go home.
Boy, oh boy, was that intense!

So now, I'm sitting here, typing this. I can feel ... the back of my neck is cold. I'm facing away from a window in our laundry room. Th- Okay, nevermind. There ... dammit! Okay, well, there WAS a probe watching me, but I was okay. Then as I went to type that, it went away and when I went to type THAT, it came back. So indecisive, eh? Ha.

So anyhow, I was trying to figure out what could be going on. Two things. There is Something right on that second trail that I can feel all the way here. I felt it last night, but not as strong. Tonight, I'm sure it's stronger because we went into its Territory. Speaking of Territory, it got me to thinking. I just explained to the 'probe' that I realise now, that the trail there is It's Territory at night. Between dawn and dusk. I didn't know before. East of the Mound/Grove ... that's my Territory. West is Its. I will no longer go west of the edge of the grove, unless I'm on the busy road. I'll stay out of the Territory at night. And the Thing is allowed to visit my Territory, but tonight it must go or I will be pissed. Well, it went. We have an understanding now.

All is well.
Blessings and Peace.
I apologize to the Thing.

(Note: Sorry it's a bit long. And I don't want to re-read it tonight for edits, so I'll do that later. If there's a typo or something, I'll fix it soon.)

New Book

I got a new book from the library and when I read the cover and looked at the author's picture, I didn't think I'd like it. But I had placed it on hold, unseen (bad habit of mine), so I checked it out.
The book is called Garden Witch's Herbal by Ellen Dugan.
When I got home, I looked through it and read some things. The more I read, the more I liked. I guess it is true that you can't read a book by its cover.
Although the publisher is Llewellyn (ew), and the author spells magic with a 'k', her writing is marvelous. She has practiced magic for more than 25 years, as well as having received her Master Gardener status through the University of Missouri. So she really seems to know what she is talking about. There is a lot of information in the book and the drawings are beautiful.
Definitely a book I want to own.

Something To Do With Water....

I mentioned in Samhain Part III that Ac and Carmin gifted us with some essential oil - Hecate Trivia. I didn't know what it was used for, so I asked Carmin on Facebook.

Answer:
Divination, ritual, appeals specifically to Hecate for guidance, dream and astral work.

Okay, that works. I was excited to use it. Last night was Occult Science class at the bookstore in town and we were talking about the oil. Mom told us all that she rubbed some on her hands because it smelled good and a lot of weird stuff happened to her all day.
We got home and I was really tired, in a funky state of mind. When I went to bed, I decided not to try using the oil, just yet. But a few minutes later, I changed my mind and put a couple drops on my pillow; went to sleep. I had really weird dreams, although that's not weird at all. I always get those. Early in the morning, I woke up to either Sam or Mom in the kitchen. I thought, "There's something to do with water. Water." I chewed on that word as whoever was in the kitchen turned on the faucet. I went back to sleep, content with the little premonition, had more weird dreams and that was that. For now. I'm going to expirement with this oil. This is fun!